I was born to my married mother and father. He was a violent, verbally abusive, bully who beat all of us even though I was under 2. When he told us he was leaving, at age 3, I was so happy. I hoped to never see him again. My grandfather was letting us live with him when he began molesting me. When I started kindergarten, I was happy to be away from him and his monster. He died shortly after I turned 6 and I was happy. My mother had not fed me on a regular basis and was quite neglectful. I had to take my own bath, dress myself, and learn to cook at a young age. I also had to care for the house. I also tried to hide from my brother who regularly beat me and hurt me. I began "caring" for my mother and trying to be perfect. I was the model student and teacher's pet. About age 9, I awoke to find my brother molesting me. I wet myself because it hurt, felt dirty, and I was so scared. I started sleeping under my bed and hiding from him. The beatings were worse and he began torturing me. My mom began drinking more and more and always told me how she did not want me. She hated me and it broke my heart. I prayed God would take me away or send me a family. At 12, I turned to sex, drugs, and the wrong crowd. I felt worse than ever when at 13, my boyfriend raped me and none of my friends helped me. I dumped them and had no friends for a few years. I made good friends and focused on school. I also began researching abuse and calling the police. Finally, I got a restraining order to keep my brother away. He continued to violate it and threaten to rape me. I feared he would kill me. I went off to college to never return....but then PTSD exploded. I was safe and happy then it hit. I thought I was going crazy. My body's immune system crashed. I had no choice but to return home. My mother's hate and my brother's violence was worse than ever. I jointed a cult and married an older man for insurance and protection. Plus, I thought God would quit picking on me if I could be "good enough." The marriage was unhappy but I needed stability and I did not want to fail at this too. I earned a degree and began my career. Throughout this time, I had been in counseling. I decided to divorce my husband rather than continue to be miserable. I continued therapy, at times taking medicine, and began a new life. The flashbacks stopped first, then the nightmares. The panic attacks became managable then preventable. I began to get my life and myself back. I am currently exploring my faith, what I believe. I am living life. I am also involved with survivors online to get the word out: It can get better. I hope to hear from you soon, perhaps at a delphi chat.

http://www.delphi.com/

"I Can't Get Over It" and "Trust After Trauma" by Aprodite Matsakis